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September 29 我也可以不在乎 这几天一直想问你,被意料之外的人告白,是不是感觉很莫名其妙。
就像平地起高楼,又像是一夜间脑子里多长出一个瘤。如果有一个你根本没在意过的人跟你说那些话,毫无来由。
他跟我说起那些细节,我穿的衣服,说过的话,我简直没有一丝印象。
我只能对他残忍。
于是觉得有点难过。有时候不就是这样么,自己很在意,很重视的事实,在别人,完全没有意义。
我忍不住怀疑,我以前是不是也自作多情。我得到的回应,不过是怜悯和惯性。
我承认,是我自己选择不相信了。与其他人无关。
如果不介意,就请让我挽回一点自尊心。就像他一样,可以轻飘飘说一句,比你好的女生,其实太多了。虽然真的很好笑。
可能这不过是我和我的心开的一个玩笑。
比如,一个人相信宗教的时候,很虔诚,稍微有一点理解就以为他是最接近神的一个人,尽管事实上,神先前还有那么多追随者。
这种以为,果真是种悲哀。我不做谁的神,我也不想去崇拜哪个神了。
September 13 阳光模糊 难得北京有多云的天气。前几天正午的时候我总是忙不迭去拉上窗帘,然后像幽闭恐惧症患者一样给科学家发短信说,北京的太阳太恐怖了。
学院里体谅司考的同学,干脆停课两周。搞得我顿时不知所措,索性窝在宿舍里休养生息,心安理得享受感冒。
食堂每天都发中药汤,不苦不甜,味道很怪异。很久没喝中药了,我现在也开始矫情地捏着鼻子嚷嚷,什么味道啊,真难喝。这种样子确实很找抽。
我只是很享受那之后的西瓜的味道。
Sometimes you think you know someone. 这句话出现在《老友记》里,大家都以为菲比是色情电影明星的时候,瑞秋就是这么说的。
就好象新来的那位室友,原本住我们隔壁。据说隔壁宿舍的姐姐们个个都不是善茬,搞得她不自在了一年。以至于这回暑假调动宿舍,她铁了心要跑出去,恨不得随便跟谁住都行。我们这间三个人正在犹豫要不要单飞的时候,她跑来找到Y同学,说,你们搬吧,我来帮你们搬,我跟你们住。这个角色真是挺悲情的。
她是那种不多讲话,蛮沉默的东北女孩。
对了,她是东北的。昨天晚上她从学校自习回来,脸上烧了一肚子怒火。她说,我最讨厌在看书的时候有人在我眼前走来走去。每走过一个人,我心里就骂一句,来回走来回走,找死呢!
我惊出一身汗。要不怎么说是东北女生呢,果然一鸣惊人的说。
从此她就从我那个“PUSH-OVER”名单上彻底消失了。
善茬是稀罕物啊。
August 23 人之将死,其言也善 S阿姨向来是负责馆里的八卦工作,平时睁着势利眼在拉帮结派的各势力中游刃有余。
现在眼看着要退休,腿脚变得勤快了起来,每天在七八个办公室里穿梭。
她不停嗟叹时光易逝,接班人却一个也没有。问候语也一天甜似一天,关怀也几乎无微不至。
果然是应了那句老话。
离开前给别人吃蜜糖真对自己的形象有改善作用吗?
貌似同事们并不领情,反而对她的突变极其敏感,不屑之余纷纷琢磨她临走前又想捞什么好处。
呵呵,她不知道债权人的记性远比债务人的要好么。
July 22 讲你的故事 偶然从朋友那里听说,一个中学同学要去英国了。
我的脑海里浮现出他初一的样子,瘦瘦白白,坐在我前面。刚进校的时候,他每隔几天就会在自习课上眼泪汪汪地抬头问班主任,老师,我们什么时候放假?
有一回中午,他不当心把钢笔水瓶子打翻了,浑身涂满蓝色,一边哭一边擦桌子,在厕所和教室间来回跑。
我和同桌很喜欢逗他玩。狮子座的他一天到晚都是天真的模样,动作夸张,说话孩子气。
他的功课不拔尖,尤其经常得到英语老师的批评,扮演倒霉角色。他单单对历史年年精通,甚至会在课上给我们讲连老师都不知道的野史,让我心生佩服。
他向我同桌借十块钱,我同桌说,你别还了,给我们讲十个中午的历史故事吧。当时每天中午我们都要集体趴在课桌上午休的。
于是那个夏天的一个多礼拜,他就会在午休的时候偷偷转过身来,和我们趴到一块儿,压低嗓子讲离奇古怪的故事,直到我们捂着嘴笑,然后在下午的课上打小瞌睡。
他总跟我说,老丁你要监督我读书,我不乖的时候你就尽管骂我。可是每次一捧起课外的历史书,他就什么话也听不进去了。
他有过喜欢的女生,那些漂亮,受很多男生追捧的女生,他也喜欢过。只是他从来不跟我们明说,我猜那应该是他们男生之间的秘密。
到了高中,他就已经高像根电线杆,做到教室的后面去了。他的成绩也渐渐好了起来。他的妈妈在家长会上,也有了灿烂的笑容。再后来,我每每跟他讲起初中时候的丑事,他总是否认。高考以后,我跟很多人失去了联系。
现在我打开他的校内,看到他皮肤黝黑,叼着烟,一脸的不屑。或者是轻松。
那里还有很多人,以前朴素的现在变得摩登了,以前一本正经的现在学会左拥右抱了,以前瘦的现在变胖了,很多人叼着烟,很多人晒得很黑,很多人长得越来越像街边的大叔了。
我们应该都变了很多了吧。现在的我,是不是也跟他一样,忘了自己以前的琐事呢。现在的我,是不是跟之前自己在他人脑海里的印象已经没有了联接点了呢。有机会,我也想听你们,讲讲我那时的故事,两句也好。
幸好,那张毕业照,多少锁住点记忆,但愿不要再丢失。
没能送你,只祝你一路顺风。
June 30 这个夏天 这个夏天好像有很多事情要做。
我老是想叫妈妈给我抓几个小朋友来学英语。每到这个时候,妈妈脸上总是很没办法的表情,然后对我说,你就在家看看书好了。
给几家本地的律师事务所投简历,心里没有一点期待,这样是很好的。
查看“律师团队”的时候真是吓了一跳,心里纳闷漂亮的律师都到哪里去了。很多律所连网站都没有,注定就没有地位。
还有学游泳。三岁就被妈妈扔下水的我提起这桩往事心里自然是羞愧的。
妈妈在电话里说,很多小朋友都嫌自己太胖不肯去报名学游泳。
我说,那太好了,现在小朋友的确吃得都很胖。肯定有比我还胖的,够我嘲笑的了,哈哈哈。
其实几年前我是死活不肯去学游泳的。跟很多小朋友一样的理由。又开始琢磨自己的脸皮是什么时候变厚的。
今天的云很好看,尤其是傍晚遮住太阳的时候。
嘴里天天念叨北京不适合人居住的我,其实很喜欢这样的蓝天白云。
一直很眼红《恋空》里的场景,天空可以那么蓝,云可以那么好看,就像童话里一样。我以为那是电脑特技做的。
直到现在才知道,原来那不是假的。要么,我现在就生活在童话里。
如果以后,能留在这里,看这样的蓝天白云,我会感觉很幸福。就算春秋吃点沙子,就算晒黑点,又怎样。
电影里的词响在耳边。
如果没有遇见过你,我不会这么难过,这么伤心,这么孤独,这样泪流满面。
如果没有遇见过你,我也不会那么开心,那么可爱,那么温柔,那么充满幸福。
我还是在跟天空谈着恋爱。
我一直以为这样的句子会印在我的心上。现在发现不是了。
这样的句子,是给那些值得的人的。我可以证明一辈子,但不是给那些将我转身即忘的人。
这个夏天的时候,其实我很想穿一件白衬衫。
May 09 却想起你的笑容 我只是想对你说,昨天夜里下起雨,风很凉。
这里泡桐花开了,远远就能闻到清爽的香味。 路边的法国梧桐长得很好,树荫下凉风阵阵。教学楼前的紫薇也发了芽。仿佛一夜之间。 我会在学校里到处找小花小草,给毛茸茸的蒲公英照相,摘下三叶草夹在书页里。
以前觉得什么也不太起眼的我,现在很喜欢这些。我想是因为你。 吹散每一枝蒲公英,用就像跟你一起在吹的感觉。看着被压得扁扁的三叶草,想象着问身边的你,小叶子可不可爱。 就因为这样所以,虽然有时寂寞,但是不辛苦。 我会忍住不跟别人无谓斗嘴,因为记着你说的,不能牢骚太盛。
纷纭意见面前,我也让自己保持冷静,不要随便下结论。我想你会很喜欢。 这世上,终究还是有我不能改变的东西呢。 对不起,我不知道从很久以前开始,我已经变成了你的负担。
你越来越重的叹息,你得不到答案的思忖,我都没有看到。 我以为只要我够努力,过得够幸福,就能给你减轻一点重量。 我太容易满足,只想得到你的拥抱。竟然把所有的辗转反侧都留给你。对不起。 December 27 为什么呢为什么呢这究竟是为什么呢 刚开学的时候,主动陪一个晚到的孩子去超市买台灯,觉得自己吃了陌生的亏就不能再让同学吃亏.
一路上她说着"我是飞过来的...飞那天...飞到这里之后...".
当时我脑袋里好象有很多只苍蝇在盘旋,大叫着"I flied I flied I flied..."以至到现在看着她都觉得起鸡皮疙瘩.
想象现在的人多时髦,把"坐"和"机"都省了,直接"飞".多明了,多简洁,多气派.
现在一品味,她大概是想强调飞过来是多么方便,比起"咔嚓咔嚓"过来,又快又舒服.
我太无知太邪恶了.
火车票还是没有买到.
其实早就去订了,押金都交了,欢天喜地回来说我要回去了,好象已经在站台上.第二天去领,说没有了.
开始问为什么呢为什么呢这究竟是为什么呢...
这也是我"弱智儿童快乐多"的另一佐证.
外院教市场学的美女老师教会了我一个意思找好几句话来说.就比如除了问"Why",还可以用"How come"来表达.
"How come?"她老是会歪着头微笑着问我们.
可是我觉得"为何","为甚",或者其他什么都太不铿锵了...
这么个问句,正好在排比中表达我满腔愤慨和对人世间莫名奇妙的疑惑.
好句子~ December 14 初到之时 用新鲜眼睛看 逛书城,总是先于逛百货商店的任务。
好在亲爱的室友也是爱读书的人,俩小朋友肩并肩来到了海淀图书城。
Public International Law是要读的,《47楼207》也不能放过,否则枉来一趟。
昨天给老孔换了宿舍,107虽然也该是个好去处,却定是另一番风景,在此致歉,以后一定加强对数字的记忆神经。
后来在中关村图书大厦,挑了本关于继承法立法依据的书,坐下来慢慢看。
那些唱片和画本,让我羡慕。
城市之大,其实并不在于四通八达的马路和地铁。
而是在那些个马路和地铁的终端,有令我感动和震惊的东西。
September 07 无处可逃
September 03 勤奋是美德这句话永远是不甘做懒人的懒人挂在墙上,或者心里的座右铭.
懒惰惯了,火烧眉毛才办事的个性,在被老妈一顿痛骂后,更加清晰...
由于这顿批评对我的责任感和良心提出了质疑,我是很不以为然的,可以说,是完全不符合事实的么.
然而手脚利索起来了,晚饭后直接冲进厨房,把自己的碗和热菜的锅一并洗干净,放回原位,滴水不漏,估计是我这辈子第一回这么干.
对自己的麻利佩服起来,和前几天做胡萝卜土豆咖喱饭的壮举相加,打心眼里认定自己下得厨房.
能允许我把这样的举动归结为骨子里美好品德的苏醒么...
下得归下得,不能随便下.对油锅自始至终的恐惧,和对肉类的矛盾心情,让我变得尴尬.
P.S. 为什么女人到了这个年纪就会说起厨房的事...敲自己一记...罪过... August 15 What is he, a leader? Come on!After the Games, Tibet
By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF
Published: August 14, 2008 BEIJING
China’s cup runneth over. The Olympics are a milestone in Chinese history, a celebration of the Middle Kingdom’s return to international greatness after nearly two centuries of torpor and humiliation. Yet the Olympics could end up being the second-most-significant event in China this year. The Chinese leadership and the Tibetan government in exile have delicately discussed a possible visit by the Dalai Lama to China, nominally to commemorate the victims of the earthquake in Sichuan Province in May. That would be the first meeting between the Dalai Lama and Chinese leaders in more than 50 years and would give enormous impetus to resolving the Tibet question. The opportunity arises in part because of the Dalai Lama's public acknowledgement last week for the first time that he could accept Communist Party rule for Tibet. Previously, the Dalai Lama had seemed to demand something like the “one country, two systems” model of Hong Kong, and his concession was a courageous signal of his yearning to reach a deal with the Chinese government. “The Dalai Lama has taken the kind of courageous step that great political leaders make at crucial turning points in history,” said Melvyn Goldstein, a prominent historian of modern Tibet and a professor at Case Western Reserve University. “After more than 20 years of stalemate, the Dalai Lama, at great risk to his standing in the West and among Tibetans in exile, has unilaterally sent Beijing a clear signal that he is now ready to accept the kind of difficult compromises that are needed to resolve the conflict.” “For the first time in decades, reconciliation is now genuinely possible,” Professor Goldstein added. Since then, the Dalai Lama has been scolded by many Tibetans who think that he has been too conciliatory toward China. President Bush and other leaders should praise his courage in taking such a difficult step toward reconciliation. The big question now is whether China will respond with its own olive branch. At a Foreign Ministry press conference on Wednesday, a spokesman, Qin Gang, said only: “Our position and policy on the Tibet-related issue is clear and persistent. We should not only take into account what the Dalai Lama said, but what he has done. We need to see concrete action.” That was less than an effusive welcome but better than another knee-jerk denunciation of the Dalai Lama. My sense is that Chinese government officials are waiting for direction from their own top leaders. If President Hu Jintao and Prime Minister Wen Jiabao respond with approval, and especially if they pursue a visit by the Dalai Lama in November on the six-month anniversary of the earthquake in Sichuan Province — then they just might resolve the Tibet problem that has dogged all previous Communist leaders. As a first step, they should take over the Tibet portfolio from the United Front Work Department, so that top-level talks can proceed directly between the Dalai Lama and either Mr. Hu or Mr. Wen. Some Chinese officials believe that the best strategy to deal with Tibet is to wait for the Dalai Lama to die. Without a leader, they think, Tibetans will be more compliant — but that is a catastrophic miscalculation. On the contrary, the Dalai Lama, who is 73, is restraining Tibetans, and he speaks some Chinese and has roots in China in a way that younger Tibetan exiles do not. Once he is gone, more radical groups — including the Tibetan Youth Congress — will gain sway and many frustrated Tibetans, left on their own, are likely to turn to violence. President Hu this year engaged in bold diplomacy to defuse tensions with Japan and Taiwan alike. China’s willingness to sound out the Dalai Lama about a visit to commemorate the earthquake victims is a ray of hope for similar outreach to Tibetans. The United States can’t do much to help — this has to be worked out between the Dalai Lama and the Chinese leadership — but we can do more to encourage the process and nudge it to a higher level. Western leaders, including President Bush, have mostly engaged in the politics of symbolism regarding Tibet — choreographing photos with the Dalai Lama, issuing protests, or calling for China-Tibet talks that everyone knows will get nowhere. What we need is less symbolism and more diplomatic heavy-lifting aimed at a practical settlement of the Tibet question. President Hu and Prime Minister Wen are basking in good will from their management of the Olympics, so far widely perceived as a triumph for China. If they can also bring the Dalai Lama back to China in November and engineer a deal to resolve Tibet’s future, that would be an even more monumental achievement. It is in their hands. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 我们没有理由无条件接受一个流寇的所谓来访.组织煽动暴乱的罪犯早晚要受到惩罚.Difficult compromise就更可笑了. August 14 The Girl Behind the CurtainI’m Singin’ in Beijing
By GAIL COLLINS
Published: August 13, 2008
Did you realize the Chinese Communist Party was that much into cute? The world knows now that the adorable little girl we saw warbling “Ode to the Motherland” at the Olympics opening ceremony was not really singing. She was a Potemkin performer. A Trojan tyke. Lin Miaoke, 9, was fronting for Yang Peiyi, 7, the girl with the best voice but imperfect teeth. “The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feeling and expression,” said Chen Qigang, the music director, who went public with the news that the dual-little-girl strategy was concocted after a member of the party Politburo intervened at the last minute. Now this is an Olympic crisis everybody can get into. While your heart goes out to the athletes suffering the agony of defeat, very few of us can internalize the trauma. Really, you have to be able to imagine yourself getting onto the balance beam before you can relate to the pain of falling off. But having the whole world know that you’ve been deemed insufficiently attractive — now there’s Everywoman’s nightmare. When Peiyi told a Chinese TV station that just being able to sing was an honor, you could imagine her in 10 years insisting that she didn’t care about going to the school dance since she was having so much fun sewing carnations onto the homecoming float. If she grows up to discover a cure for cancer, when they hand over the Nobel Prize, will everybody say that it was nice that she found a way to make up for those unfortunate front teeth? The idea that appearance is valued more than performance is one of those painful facts of life that people always hate to be reminded of. But Andrew Nathan, an expert on Chinese politics and human rights at Columbia, seemed puzzled by why anybody would be surprised by this kind of switcheroo in a country where help-wanted ads make it clear that job candidates must be good-looking and the 380 hostesses to the Olympics were all required to be the same height and weight. “This particular technique seems so standard. I’m a little puzzled about why everybody’s stuck on this example,” he said. “I really don’t know how a little girl in China might respond to being told your teeth are not good enough. But doesn’t that happen all the time in Hollywood?” Cheng Li, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, saw the story more in terms of consumer fraud. “What she sings is a very moving nationalistic song,” he said. “The people were so emotionally involved. If you asked them what’s the most moving episode, I think the majority would tell you that moment, with the little girl in red clothes. Now the Chinese people feel they are fooled. The psychological hurt is enormous.” One could certainly argue that American outrage over Peiyi’s situation is overkill, given the fact that families here gather together in front of the TV to watch reality shows in which unattractive people are permitted to audition for talent contests so that the judges can make fun of them. And in China, the fact that authorities were trying to put one over on the viewers was somewhat undercut when Chen, the music director, disclosed the switch in an interview on Beijing Radio. “The little girl is a magnificent singer. She doesn’t deserve to be hidden,” he told AP Television News. How he felt about his moment of candor once it became an international story is yet to be determined. Actually, the organizers had started with a completely different little girl, 10, who was fired at the last minute when the ceremony’s director, Zhang Yimou, decided she looked too old. We do not want to imagine the repercussions when this kid hits her 30th birthday. Miaoke then got the part — until a senior Communist Party member, sitting in on one of the final rehearsals, announced that her voice “must change.” It’s not actually clear whether it was the party boss who decided that while the voice had to change, the cute exterior needed to remain. But Zhang, a well-known movie director, seemed to start channeling “Singin’ in the Rain.” Peiyi (whose teacher described her as a well-behaved child who didn’t like to show off) got the Debbie Reynolds part — the nice girl singer doing all the work behind the curtain while the star mimed under the spotlight. Meanwhile, Miaoke was apparently singing her 9-year-old heart out on stage under the illusion that the world was hearing her voice. According to Jim Yardley’s report in The Times, Miaoke’s father said he had to tell her that everybody was hearing Peiyi instead. “The only thing I care about is that my daughter will not get hurt by this. She’ll understand when she grows up,” he added. You have to wonder. Miaoke may turn out to be the real victim in this story. It’s one thing to be thrust into the role of Debbie Reynolds. It’s a lot worse to go overnight from symbol of the Olympics to Ashlee Simpson. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 每天一专栏.怎么什么都跟党扯一起啊,关党什么事啊...外国人联想得也真厉害... August 06 Happy Valentine's Day
July 31 下着雨
July 23 就这么过夏天
February 21 粥 情人节 从AMY的宿舍出来,一看手机,22∶58分。
我欢天喜地蹦下楼梯,在走廊里甩胳膊甩腿。放了寒假我就经常这么干,在荒无人烟的宿舍楼里恣意玩耍。一因怕鬼,二为热身。
我开心,不仅仅是因为她只晚我一天回到凄凉的学校,给刚下班的我煮了一锅热腾腾香喷喷的粥。当然,这一举动的确值得表扬,她和我一起亲手把自己的寒假给毁了,屁颠屁颠赶回苏州为祖国创造GDP。我也识相地去蛋糕店买了一小慕斯,当作俩人的饭后点心。
一路上情侣接踵,我脸上挂着“小样我也过情人节”的表情,特硬气地拎着蛋糕迈步。
(接之前的不仅仅)而且,并且更重要的是,在我滔滔不绝向她倾诉今年大年初五连同去年春节是如何接连受了一提琴美女折磨的时候,她能够配合地前仰后合,连我都开始觉得自己讲故事很有意思。
满满一锅的白米粥,我忍不住赞叹,真是贤妻良母~~不愧是贤妻良母~~
她变魔术般拎出很多小袋子,鱼虾鸡肉琳琅满目。她说,鱼挺咸的。
我们举着碗坐在电脑前,冲糊里糊涂的《大灌篮》间歇性傻笑。
电影中途,我为美味所感,崇拜地抬头望她,又叹道,真贤哦。显然她骨子里就没有骄傲自大的分子,于是认真看了一眼碗里的鱼,又道,嗯,是挺咸的。
遂狂笑。
有点背背山的味道。
到校的第一天晚上,晚饭成了我最不知道何去何从的事情,还竟然把我难得泪流满面。对着一大堆方便面,日子变得异常灰黯。出发前一天晚上,我就开始发短信催AMY到校。
可笑,口口声声扬言爱独处的我,真正在孤身一人的时候,几乎走到崩溃的边缘。
原来,有的要求,在达到了之后,顷刻变得毫无用处了。 February 05 拖拉作业被人点名算不算人品好的一个证据啊...婶婶,我总算完成了您的任务,您老人家满意也得满意,不满意就装满意吧...
1.最理想的饮料伴侣是什么?
拿铁和茉莉花茶...
2.你的理想晚餐是什么样子?
吃很好吃的蔬菜...
3.听歌会听到笑出来吗?
不会,只会突然哭出来...
4.如果你爱吃的摊子已经收了,恰好有一个摊,你没吃过,但她对你搔首弄姿,对你放电,你会去买一碗吗? 有我爱吃的摊子吗...
5.世界末日,你会去强吻美女(帅哥)吗?
如果我的吻能拯救地球,我就去强吻美女...
6.你认为女人(男人)是漂亮(帅)一点好呢,性感一点好呢?还是温柔(贴心)一点好?
理解力要强一点,能够跳出自己的思维想问题.其他次要...
8.如果有一天,你生命中最重要的东西离你而去了,你会怎么办?
我的生命中还有什么比我的生命还要重要的东西吗...
9.说出点你名的人的3个优点。(不可删除题)
温柔,有毅力,有女生应有的自尊心:)
10.你可以接受别人爱你却不跟你说吗?
他不说我怎么知道啊(COPY婶婶的答案,所言甚是)...
11.如果给你一次时间停止的机会,你会干什么?
看雨滴下的样子...
12.未来想去什么地方?
欧洲...
13.夜里最不想做的事是什么?
不想看见有人在二楼窗外走动...
14.失业后的唯一工资首先会用来干什么?
买米...
15.遇到讨厌的人时敢勇敢的说出么? 讨厌的人不配知道我的想法...
16.你理想中的婚后生活是怎么样的?
细水长流,面对着对方已经成为一种美好的习惯...
17.心里特别开心的时候怎么作动作? 走路的时候忍不住微笑...
18.你的春梦是什么? 我也想到君政时学长的课题了...Anyway...亏你问得出来...
19.07年12月25日怎么过?
过过了哈...It is just another day...
20.你一般怎样度过孤单的漫漫长夜?
睡觉.你是不知道,我最近睡眠严重不足,肿着眼睛上班哦... November 08 再见吧 也突然发现,得失太无常。
我太乐观。
吃饭的时候咬伤了舌头,我正在诉苦,你突然说想再去吃关于吃的红烧肉。 我竟然还想,等舌头好了,一定要去大吃一顿。这么想,是多么正常。 我舌头恢复的那一天,我们分开了。 不能吃的东西还有很多。
比如肯德基的奥尔良烤翅。以前在我陡然流口水的时候,你二话不说就跑去买了鸡翅回来,带着香柚蜂蜜茶的香味满心欢喜地递给我,说慢慢吃吧。 你总是拉着我的手,把我冰冷的手指使劲捏在你的掌心里,所以在冬天,我一点也不怕冷。你说过要一直捂着我的手。这个冬天,我要新买一副厚厚的手套了。
我终于在看电影以外的时间大哭一场,比看什么电影都厉害。
我抱起小熊,拉着它两只手摇得它像羊癫疯一样,说,我要看电影,我要看好看的电影。 肩膀就开始抖了。浑身冰冷。 我早恋了,在我22岁的时候。你说,我们什么也不懂。所以我们是早恋。
22岁,是高中时候给自己规定的正式恋爱年龄。到了22岁,大三的时候,就可以一本正经谈恋爱了。我给自己的诺言。 高中的时候太幼稚了吧,太崇拜大学了吧,觉得22岁应该什么都懂了,没吃过猪肉,看过那么多猪跑,理论基础应该很扎实,甚至该够做专栏编辑,每个月骂醒几个昏睡的女人。到了快23岁的时候,才明白22岁的我,脑子还是可以这么糊涂。
我写着,潇洒地跟你再见,把能阐述的道理阐述一遍,表示我能理解了,我们都要加油。
我还是不能示弱。我不习惯,不会,或是不肯示弱。朋友摇着头说过,我不肯示弱,终究自己吃亏。她恨铁不成钢。我倔着不肯做钢,我写得很利落,议论文,即使是歪理,据理力争,不落痕迹,也是我的强项。我的意思是说,我继续过我的日子,我的小日子本来就很丰富多彩,我的朋友遍布各地,我不在乎,我忒坚强了。
我离开你,只会让自己绽放得更灿烂,我怎么会天崩地裂?我讨厌要死要活,为男人而活的女人,我最讨厌自己变成那样的女人。可我发现我已经变了,朋友也发现我变了,这还不够耻辱吗?等到我准备再厚点脸皮接受这个耻辱,更加无耻地宣告我最近的日子过得一点也没意思的时候,又发现这个弱已经被别人示过了。
没得选择,我又沉默。我不喜欢在完全有意识的时候做别人做过的事,说别人说过的心里话。本来我可以说,我把电脑里的纸牌打了无数遍,一遍又一遍,饭都要忘了吃;我面无表情地翻书,从头到尾,从尾到头,整整几个下午。本来我可以早点说出来,不然现在你不会跟别人达成那样的共识。
当你跟别人达成的共识比跟我达成的还要多的时候,我恐慌了。我再不是个特殊的人,我开始怀疑我杵在你身边的意义。而此刻我的示弱,在你眼里,都是浪费时间的空虚吧?我在你们眼里,还是个不懂事爱折腾的小孩吧?
接下来,我学会了莫名其妙流眼泪,学会了强迫症一样出现幻听,盼望收到短信,学会了每天睡前要跟自己说晚安,我变成了一个让自己讨厌的人。听了笑话我要夸张地前仰后合,因为我怕,若是淡然一笑,下一秒就会落泪。我的壮志雄心,我的女权主义革命精神,这么经不起考验。
我不跟你说谢谢,我以为,看着我的笑,听我在别人面前对你的夸奖,你都会懂。我不主动拉你的手,因为你不舍得我。你在别人看我的时候流露出酸溜溜的眼神,把你出卖了。
我明白将来要面对什么,可是我幻想着,以为只要不说破,即使心里再怎么清楚,我们还是会手拉手一起走向坟墓。
我习惯了你来牵着我,可是这一次,你放开我了。在我想紧握住你的手,跟你一步一步往下走的时候,你竟然就这样放开了我。你说你累了,你决定一个人走。
我丰富的小日子被榨干了,我钻在自己的牛角尖里,什么也听不进去。你说我们要好好学习,竞争激烈,我们应该努力修炼自己。你终于意识到父母的重望,自觉责任深重,好象我一直以来都蒙蔽了你的眼睛。于是你下决心要投身国家建设了。你描述着困难重重的未来,给我一大摞任务,一大堆计划,给我指明方向。
我的诡辩,索然失色,什么也说不出来了。以前你总是默默听我说话,我总像话痨一般喋喋不休,现在我只有听你说话。你的论断逻辑太清楚太合理,论据太恰当太有力了。有什么比为未来奋斗更能说服我安静下来的呢?
你一路往前走,也许带着不忍,但是足够坚定地走到前面去了。我的眼泪,我的讽刺,不管有多少,不管多响亮,不过落在你身后,也不会停止你的脚步。
不要说你很抱歉,不久以后,我也会站起来往前走。只请给我点时间,我已经没有以前的力气了。 |
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